so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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