fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
