in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
