i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
