I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
