Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just had sex on a roof
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize