i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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