wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
