Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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