I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
