Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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