Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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