I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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