My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
FUCK WHALES
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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