just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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