Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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