Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You have to summon your inner elephant
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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