Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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