Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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