Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
