It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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