I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You left your phone here
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