just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
