dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
