quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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