youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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