I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
