if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
