I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
