She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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