My cat gives me a boner
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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