If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
