And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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