im drinking this country out of the recession.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
