Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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