I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
