last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My dick has a subreddit
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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