Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
