**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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