I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
