Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize