just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize