I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Come see our sink grown plant.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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