Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
