New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
