she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
