So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
