He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
