All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
