Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
