i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
