I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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