I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
