So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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