everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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