Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
