So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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