i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
