He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize