This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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