at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
