my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Sorry my hands just texted you
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
