what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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